Family

Not talking to my mom or my sister.  Completely out of my hands but could have been avoided.  SHIT.  Why am I so dramatic…

 

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Oh, So Now You Value Marriage?

When you have been involved in a mini scandal, it is just the icing on the cake to live in a small town.  Everyone talks, no one forgets and everyone seems to be more interested in other peoples lives then they should be.  How fun gossip is.

When the news broke about my husbands “emotional affair” with a co-worker, everyone new.  This was over a year ago. 

 I go up and down through my recovery (bipolar doesn’t help either).  Every day is a little bit better though.  

Now I get to be on the other end of the gossip chain.  The other woman in this situation is apparently getting married.  I almost wet myself.  

A year ago she was “madly in love” with my husband.  When he immediately broke things off with her after a short period of being involved. She ran back to her fiancee who was still happy to be engaged to her and have the mother of his child as well.  Well a couple months later she is suddenly dating her boss at her new job and her fiance is out of the picture.  Not even 3 months later they moved in together.  Also involving her one child and his three children.  Nice huh?  That was at the end of the summer, now they are engaged.  A little unstable wouldn’t you say?

How do I feel about it?  Well I probably shouldn’t have a thought in the world about it but lets be real, I still haven’t completely stopped obsessing 100%.  I really don’t know what to say.  

Ha, well maybe I do, so listen up any of you classless train wrecks,

” You don’t deserve a ring on your finger, a white dress or a big fluffy wedding cake.  You are a disgrace to marriage and woman overall everywhere.  Have fun playing dress up because based on your naive, immature and unrealistic view of marriage and you are doomed.  You have proved to be incapable of a long term relationship, being faithful or at least attempting to control your pathological lying.  Oh and congrats of finding the most mangled, scraggle-toothed ex addict who looks old enough to be you father.”


 

Wow

vent session huh?

Now I don’t have to think about it again.

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Mood Swings Really Feel Like…

My only constant with my moods is that they always change.  The rough part is that I get so consumed with what I am feeling in the moment that everything fades away.   I will feel like I have never been happier, that it is normal now and that I will never fall off the stability wagon.  Then I will look at the calender and say “Wait a minute, four days ago was Friday and I had a major melt down.”  I seem to have short term memory problems when it comes to my moods.  After being diagnosed four years ago you would think I would be a bit more observant of my moods.

It is very clear when I jump from up to down.  I feel like all the “good” chemicals drain suddenly from my head and chest and are quickly filled with a raw and heavy anxiety.  Sometimes I feel sick, other times extremely lethargic.   When its bad all I can do is lay down, sometimes in a meditative state and just stare.  Being able to sleep it away would be too easy.

Funny enough I have felt good these last few days but it has been a rough week.  I am doing t download that Emoods app for my smartphone and see how that goes.  Stay posted for my thoughts.

Arriverderci!!

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Engorged with Feeling

I am one whose moods are deep and consuming.  When I get started on something I get so consumed that it is hard to distinguish reality.  I will get so deep into fights I won’t now why they started.  I will dwell so much on something I cut myself off from whats going on around me.  No matter what is going on in my head, no matter how far fetched and off the wall it is I totally believe my thoughts to be true.  It is not until later that I reflect and realize “Man, I was truly clouded.  And hey, that was not me”.

After all the details of my husband’s emotional affair came out, I felt overwhelmed with pain and emotion, went through complete shock and felt overwhelmed.  He disclosed all the details.  I would obsess.  I would traumatized myself with flashbacks of my interpretation of what happened.  Moments, talks, looks that I wasn’t even there to see but that I envisioned in my head.  With therapy I learned how to stop and focus on life.  Look to the future and not the past.  I decided that I loved my husband, wanted to forgive him and was going to move on. 

For the last several months I have pushed it out of my head.  I stopped punishing my husband with cheap shots and could actually look at him without resentment and the past flashing before my eyes.  I even had drama resurface when the “over woman” starting slandering us on facebook and it didn’t phase me whatsoever, just made me laugh. 

I’ve lost it this past week.  Flashbacks…. feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety and pain.  Dwelling and obsessing without the mind control to push it out of my head.  Then withdrawing from my husband.  Pulling away and distancing myself.  It’s not good for either of us and is a setback on our relationship.  It’s not fair of me to hold this over his head for the rest of his life.  He majorly fucked up and broke my heart.  It was a huge mistake but it doesn’t define him and he deserves to be able to move on, as do I.  It not fair to have the whole “I’ll forgive you but I am going to hold this over your head for the rest of your life”.  

Although I thought in the beginning, “It doesn’t matter that he didn’t sleep with her at this point”.  But you know what?  It does mean something.  It went on for three weeks of a handful of times hanging out alone after work (for 12 hours at one point… hmm) but none the less it could be so much worse and people get through it even then. 

After extended periods of time with this basically being forgotten I think to myself “YAY!  I’m over this!”  Then it comes back, easier though with each time.  It really is a rollercoaster ride.  How much of this is being (as Myers Briggs distinguishes) and INFP (less then 1% of the population) Bi-Polar type 2?  How much is just dealing with a life trauma?  How much can I control?  When should I hold myself at a higher bar and when should I cut myself slack? 

I wish I was normal….

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Bipolar every day!

Wow.. Classic case of Bi-Polar 2.  I’m sure you can tell by my posts.  I hope I don’t stand against my own kind by saying that even with medication and full commitment to a lifestyle that sets us up to thrive I’m still disabled.  Sorry doc but even when I follow my advice you can’t say this is managed.

I take two pills in the morning, one at night, eat right, exercise and go to therapy often enough.  Why don’t you just say I am F*CKED? 

Just a rainy day will set me off…  I turn into this cold dark person searching for the light.  I listen to dark music and thats when my creative lights turn on.  I write, I do art… etc.  I think about all my mistakes in the past.  Saying something wrong to all the details of my husband’s affair.  Guilt and shame are things coming to mind. 

I hope my son doesn’t inherate this.  I wish I could have known before, I should have gone to a genetic counselor.  My dad has this, my aunt, my grandmother.  How is this fair?  How is it to live a normal life?  I can’t imagine not having to deal with the pain and anxiety.  I wish there was some magic pill that would help.

Where are you god?

I need another klonopin!

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Blustery Storm in my Head

   Clouds across the ocean bring in a blustery storm.  The weather bringing my mood down, painful memories lingering in my head.  My heart is raw and exposed.  I was doing so good.  Why now?  It’s messing with my head and won’t be put to rest. 

  My husbands affair a year ago left me tainted.  For the past 3 months I have doing to well, rarely thinking of it.  Resentment, pain and hatred hibernating.  It hit me like a brick to the face today.

  Their long nights together just talking and drinking, laughing at each other’s jokes and flirting dance in my head. 

  I hate her.

 Shattered dreams and innocence lost in their destruction.  I have spent my whole youth with him and thought our relationship was secure and safe.  My world is never the same.

I wish my mood stablizers were working.  Wouldn’t it be dream if I could just take a tad more and it would matter.  It would make me sick…. 

I am sick.  My body and soul are under fire. 

I smoke yet another ciggerate and stare at the rain and out to the ocean. 

Blue October feels so on right now…

Into The Ocean lyrics

I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I’d be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like ‘fourteen miles away’

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/blue-october-lyrics/into-the-ocean-lyrics.html)
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It’s midnight’s late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

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Selfish Crazy Woman Doesn’t Want More Kids

Growing up I was anything but the pretty girl, although my three best friends were.  Still, we weren’t really involved in the cliques of the small town.  I was the nerdy, chubby, quiet one of the group. 

Last night I somehow got invited and attended a Thanksgiving dinner that was hosted by an old high school friend.  By friend I mean a girl I chatted with in class but it never went further that that.  I get there and of course, there are the popular kids.  The football and cheerleaders. 

Lets just say my mother was right.  Through the eyes of an adult things looked a lot differently.  First of all I was the cutest one there.  Everyone has gained 25-100 lbs.  One guy even broke his chair and fell the the floor. 

Still I wasn’t good enough, they found something.  They wanted to know why I didn’t have more kids.  Was it because my husband didn’t want them?  Because I had a rough pregnancy last time around?  Why don’t I adopt?   I explained that no, my husband would have had another one yesterday if he had his way.  It’s not that I don’t want more, I’m just not ready.  I didn’t tell them that I am on enough meds to put a horse down and would need to be weaned off one of them (6 months my doc says).  They looked at me like a selfish-bitch.  I was the only girl with even a glass of wine there, as many were wanting babies in the near future, were breast-feeding or just plain didn’t like alcohol. 

What about me?  Why should I just divote myself to being a baby-machine.  I mean really, I have a six year old!  I still haven’t finished up school or worked on my career and I don’t feel like my husband and I are solid enough right now to bring other children into this world.  It hasn’t even been a year since the affair and we diffenitly have our fights from time to time.  Financially I struggle as it is.  With my husband’s new job he is bringing in half the income from before. Plus I feel like having a baby is like “Hey I hope you know you are going to be completely divoted to another for the next 3 years”.  I don’t even have insurance. 

I do love babies and being a mom.  I do have baby-envy whenever I see a baby.  The fact of the matter is I was young when I had my son and it was rough.  I guess it scarred me a little.

Would I even be thinking about this if the overweight “cool kids” hadn’t put it in my head?

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